Q & A

Our sophomore year of college, one of my best friends received a quote in the mail via a good friend from home. It was one of those quotes that comes at the right time, and speaks to you in a way nothing else can. It was one of those situations where you're forced to believe in fate and things happening for a reason, because that's the only way to explain how something so perfect shows up so unexpectedly. The next year, Kalin passed  the quote to me right when I needed it, saying it was time. It had done its work for her, and now it was time for it to help someone else. I, in turn, would later pass it on, and forget about it, much like you forget the little moments when life seems to just get in the way. About a month or so ago, when I got an email from a friend, the quote found its way back into my life. I smiled at it, thought how funny it was that it would find me across the world, and then tucked it away, again forgetting about the importance of the little moments. It wasn't until last week that the quote made its way back into my conscious, appearing at a time when I was questioning the meaning of my trip here. And there it was, that quote coming to serve me again. Written by Rainer Maria Rilke, it states " I would like to beg you to have patience. With everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for answers, which could not be given to you now because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer". It's one of those quotes, much like obamas book, that I didn't understand at the time, and even at different times in my life, after I've understood it once, I've failed to find he meaning again. It seems as if it only makes sense when the person reading it is ready for it to make sense. In other words, it's magical. Coming into my second to last week here, I would be lying if I said I wasn't ready to come home. My anxiety is at an all time high, and I'm tired of it. I'm ready to drink a grande iced skinny vanilla latte, and eat a big green salad. I'm ready to see people face to face without a computer screen in front of me. Struggling with this, I also started to struggle with what my time here has meant, what the meaning is, what I'm taking away from it, what I'll change about myself when I get home. And then that started to freak me out. Would I still be the funny Siobhan I was before? Would I be quiet and withdrawn for a little? Will I want to talk and be with friends, or hid away? Will I love the same things? Will I cry a lot? How will my life change? Will I even be ready for a full time job, or the full time job of looking for a full time job? Will I lose my Spanish? What will happen? Will I have time to do all my laundry? Will chocolate still EXIST in the world when I get home? As you can see, asking myself questions and begging the answers could easily drive me to insanity. Looking for answers to questions I don't have made my skin crawl, made my face hot, brought on a slew of tears, made me want to be home right now. Because I'm a control freak. Because I have to have the answers, and when I don't I get mad and anxious. Because I like to know what's coming, because I like to be proactive and independent and to make things happen the moment I want them. It's not instant gratification so much as its knowing that when I want something, I can work to get it. But no matter what I did,I couldn't fix this. I couldn't find the answers to my questions. Because, guess what smarty pants, they don't exist yet. And that's when the quote came back. And in a very un-Siobhan-like moment, my anxiety stopped, my chest cleared and I found the answer by not finding the answer. I realized, quite naively, that I'm never going to have the answer because I'm never going to stop asking the questions. In no way does this trip have closure, or even end once I get back to the states. I'm always going to come back here. I'm always going to try and figure out how to change my life to better others. I'm always going to look for new ways, better ways. I'm  always going to wonder, try to fix things, want to fix things. It could be here, it could be in education, it could be in my personal life. The point is, because I'm a person that never stops, the questions are never going to stop. And thus, just by living, I will have to find my answer. Because living is the answer. The questions that I'm asking can not be passively answered. They can't be thought out, but rather I have to act my way to the answer. And eventually, I'll find that I'm living it without realizing it. Or, I'll find another question. For some reason, instead of it being a source of anxiety, knowing this gives me some clarity. Maybe its because it takes me off the hook for not having an immediate answer to everything. Or maybe it's because if nothing is never really final, it means that everything is a process and thus goodbyes are only temporary. I don't know. What I do know is that I loved my time here, and I wouldn't take it back for anything, despite the hard days and tears I've cried, despite my anxiety. I know that I'll take it with me, and it'll change me. Maybe not right away, and maybe not in a way I'll notice, but it'll change me. With this, I also know that at my core,I will always want to go back home where I belong. I'll always be witty and sarcastic, because it's my defense against the world, and my best feature- Really its what draws in all my prospective suitors. And I know that no matter what, chocolate solves an anxiety attack.  Wishing you a day filled with questions, Sabrina