My Slippers

Ok. Fine. I admit it. For the last week and a half or so I've been anti-blog. I don't know how it started, or why it came on, but I had the infection, and I had it full fledged. Even though I had a couple of ideas of what I could write about, nothing excited me. Nothing made the words jump put of my fingers. Nothing made my heart stir. And I confess, when that happened I wondered for a second if I had stopped being inspired here. The thought was striking, provocative and scary, seeing as I have a month and half left and the last thing I want to do is just coast through uninspired. It was with these thoughts that I started to get a little nervous about not wanting to write, and about getting hate mail from my dedicated followers, even if there are only two or three. Hate mail is hate mail. And then it happened just like it always does. Inspiration hit when I thought it wouldn't, and in a place I didn't expect. You'd think that after this kept happening, I would come to expect it. Apparently I'm a little dense. About a week and a half ago, on one of my down days, I went to Theany's house searching through her box of books to find some new material. Picking up three randoms, I was just hoping to find a book better than little women, which I was struggling to get through. Whoever said that was a classic clearly also thought that staring at grass growing was an invigorating hobby. What I found in Ed box of treats was more than just books: it was my spotlight on the world, and my life. I know that a lot of people think of books as a way of escaping; as a means of leaving this present life for an hour or too and engrossing ourselves in the lives of others. While I see that side of the argument, I don't think it holds water, at least not for me. It's through books, through novels and truly well done literature, that I've come to understand my world more. It's shed light on myself and my life, and made it possible for me to empathize with others, in different situations. It's through books that, yes, I've seen other parts of the world, but I've also changed parts of my own. When a novel is truly special, it changes us, shakes us, and moves us. Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese was one of these shakers. It was a book I was flying through, loving every page. And then it made me stop. It was a passage about halfway through the book that made me rediscover my inspiration, my want to write. It made me not only see the things that I struggle with, but except them as part of myself instead of casting them off like a smelly sock. After returning from an extended prison stay, the father of the twins in the books explains the importance of owning ones slippers. He explains that " the key to happiness is to own your slippers, own who you are, own how you look, own your family, own the talents you have and the ones you don't. If you keep saying the slippers aren't yours, en you'll die searching,you'll die bitter, always feeing you were promised more". Although it makes more sense within the context of the book, the point is simple: own yourself for good or for bad, and love it. Because its how we think of ourselves that often decides how others do as well. It was in this paragraph that I found my inspiration. Because, in my life, here and at home, I have a lot of slippers. And being here has illuminated them, some good and some bad. Looking back on my blogs, while I've revealed a little of myself here and there, I haven't truly owned my slippers, and I truly don't think I can keep writing, keep being fair, keep exposing my experience, until I do. So here, in front of the blogging community, I am going to own my slippers. Get ready for a whirlwind. I am Siobhan Lavery, aged 22. I am not married, I do not have children, I do not have a boyfriend, and I am not Canadian. All of these facts are disappointments and surprises to every Dominican I meet. More so is the fact that I'm not actively searching for a boyfriend to fulfill the supposed hole that exists in my life. I hate being taken care of. I am a girl who has the best family in the world, and really didn't recognize it until I was in college and learned that not everyone's parents are as supportive, and not everyone's brother is a great role model, leader and comedian. I am a home body, which makes traveling hard but worthwhile. My true passion in life is education, specifically special education, although someone here recently helped me realize that international service is also a passion of mine. I have the best friends in the world, and wouldn't trade their craziness for a more mentally stable group in a second. I am a person who loves to share my experiences, which makes it easy for my to talk to groups and help them shed light on their own time here. I can speak Spanish better than I know, and have a laugh that's ridiculous and sometimes contagious. I love chocolate, am fiercely independent,and have an attitude that, as my mom put it, follows me no matter what country I'm in. These are some of my slippers. These are my nice slippers. And then there are my dirty slippers that I've tried to cast aside, but that I have to own. I struggle with anxiety. I have a grave fear that I won't make it home to see my family. I always feel the need to tell people how much I love them in case I don't have another chance. I have a great anxiety about the fact that the world is rumored to end at the end of this year. Sometimes I can't breathe because of my anxiety. I struggle with my body image. I hate the fact that I haven't been to a gym since the beginning of January, although I also think its good for me to struggle with this. I fear that I'm not spending enough time helping others here, and that I'll leave with regrets. I'm afraid I haven't touched enough lives, even though mine has been touched by many. I hate teaching English even though I love teaching in general. I've realized that I can't live in another country for more than 6 months because I love my home too much. And sometimes I worry that I won't find true love in my life; that my standards are too high, even though I refuse to lower them. These are my slippers. These are my struggles and my strong points. And here's what I see. When you separate the slippers, when you categorize them, they are just things, material. But when you throw in the beautiful with the ugly, they become real. They became me. I am not who I am because I only show my beautiful side to the world. I am who I am because I am sarcastic, anxious, emotional and chocolate loving. I am who I am because next to my anxiety, I have a lot of love. And next to my strengths, I recognize my weaknesses. I wouldn't be who I am with only the good. It is the ugly slipper that has made me Siobhan. Its my slippers together that have brought me to Italy,Vermont, the dominican and the world at large. It is my slippers that will bring me home. So here it is, my blog to return to the world after an absence that felt much more profound than it was. And it's fitting that it would be a book that brought me back, as it's books that reveal myself to me in ways other things can't. My hope, for you, is not only that you never lose your inspiration, but also that you never leave your slippers behind. Wear them, and wear them with pride,. Happy Thursday, Sabrina