Mirror Mirror

It's amazing how much other people can tell us about ourselves, especially those we are close to, whether we like it or not. Our progress, our meaning and our wisdom are often marked by how others react around us; the questions they ask, the remarks they make and their exclamations about the way we live. It's as if others are a mirror into what we truly are, and how we are truly acting out our lives. They show us the innermost workings of who we are, and what we are accomplishing, or may be able to accomplish in the future. At least, that's how the saint mikes group was to me.

It wasn't until I was surrounded with 10 people that had never been here before that I realized how much I do, and don't know, about this country. How much I have learned and how much is left to discover, both about myself and the culture. The main difference in having a group here, and being by myself, was perspective. Instead of just thinking about things in terms of how I see the world, all of a sudden I was looking at my new home from fresh eyes; ten different ways of viewing what I saw everyday. All of a sudden, the poverty seemed a little worse, the mountains a little higher and the people a little more welcoming. I was thinking about things like medical care and seeds and lawsuits and what women did when they got their periods, just because different people were asking different questions. We forget how different our lives are, and our ways of thinking, until everyone looks at the same thing and comes up with eleven different, and wonderful reactions.

It wasn't until the group was here that I could truly see myself through the eyes of other people. It was Heidi telling me how she loved to hear me speak Spanish, and how natural it sounded that made me realize I may actually leave here bilingual. Or Allison telling me how much I've relaxed and opened up that made me realize that the Dominican culture has had more of an effect than I may have planned. Or even when ari claimed how sweet the coffee was, almost painfully so, that made me realize I'm immune to it, and probably should detox on my return home.

Most of all, though, it wasn't until the group was here, questioning me, that I realized how much I really do love it here. It wasn't until I could share it with someone else, someone on the outside who was seeing what I was seeing, that it became clear again how much I loved this place. I got to share about the struggles I've heard of, the stories that have been passed down and the lives people are living. I got to share the story of ADESJO, the organization I am so passionate about and just hope that some of that rubbed off on someone. I got to listen to Theany humbly explain her work to others and see their reaction to all the good she's doing; all the good I've been lucky to witness first hand. I got to point out my favorite places, where Freddy's family lived, and the different communities that encompass the area. I got to share about my life here to try and make it a little clearer, a little more meaningful, for everyone else.

Looking at the faces of the 9 students chosen for the trip, more than anything I was brought back to my first time here. 19, insecure and the youngest on the trip, I fell in love with a place that changed my life, even if I didn't know it at the time. I was taken aback by the beauty mixed in with the poverty, with the overwhelming sense of welcome alongside stories of teenage marriage and a lack of education. With the way the people gave everything even when they had nothing. I was in awe of it all, and didnt know where to start or end, other than to sense in some way that this was the beginning of something. I came back confused, heart broken and in love and unable to describe the world I had seen other than to say " its just different". And now, three years later at the age of 22 I don't know much more except to say that this place changes people. I can now see how it changed me, and I got to stand witness as it changed 9 young girls, some still trying to find themselves, and others trying to find out how the world will accept them. It's a powerful thing, watching a transformation and knowing that it can lead to so much good, but also so much confusion.

The Saint Michael's group came at the right time for me. I was in a place where I knew enough to share, but am still ready to learn. I can challenge things more, as I know more of the language, and was open to people showing me more ways to challenge. It was like I could finally see the cycle of how I got here.I saw the last three years  laid out. My first trip here, my study abroad experience, my return trip last May and then this crazy experience, like a play that was already written waiting for me to act it out. It all seemed like a muddle at the time, but here, standing back now, its clear that it was somehow meant to be all this time. And now, along with that, i can see the future. What my next few months may hold, how my returns here will be shaped, cause we all know this isn't the end, and who else i can drag along on this crazy journey. Because of them, I can see it. It may not be clear, but in one form or another its there.

The groups leaving has been hard, without a doubt. When anyone from home leaves, there's a sense of loneliness and a sense of wanting for the rest that home offers, that no amount of arroz con leche or love from a surrogate family can sooth. But what I am ready to accept now, and may not had been had they come earlier, is that I will be sad for a few days, but then I'll find a new challenge or way to engage myself with the people I love. Because the group taught me more than I did them. They showed me I was strong enough, and smart enough, to do this. They were my mirror to myself, and I gotta say, thanks to them, I kind of like what I'm gonna see in the next few months. So here's to everyone that was here. You tryin to make me see who I really am here? Cause ya did, and I'm not gonna lie. I dont hate it.