I have a feeling that if a scientist searched through my DNA, he would find a little strand called "must do everything possible at all times". I was somehow born with this notion that if an opportunity exists, I have to take it. If work is available, I must do it. And if, by golly I have to slow down, catastrophe is bound to ensue.
I like to think that this phenomenon started in high school, but I'm pretty sure it was before that, in preschool when I didn't understand why my brother got to do homework, and i didn't. Or in elementary school when I decided to run the school store and run for class president ( I lost, and am still bitter). Or even in middle school when I tried out for a play because I thought, why not, and was only forced to quit when I realized that I physically could not be blocking shots in net and be on stage as an alien at the exact same moment. If only I had hermione's time changing device I could have done a lot more.
The seven years of intense education I had starting my sophomore year of high school confirmed this DNA analysis. I did everything. I breathed academics, ate extra curriculars and slept sports. I edited the newspaper, acted as a donkey in a play, weight lifted with boys, hiked the Appalachian trail, hoarded fourteen year old girls into their rooms at night and managed to keep up friendships and relationships. College didn't change that. It was the same story, with more extra curriculars and classes, more friends, more international travel and a little less time. I don't think i slowed down once in seven years. And then after graduation, I worked myself to the bone to save money, to be here.
Ok, Siobhan, get to the point, we all know your type A. Get on with it. Well, blogging audience, the point is that when I am forced to slow down, it's against my nature and I hate it and I want it to stop immediately. I am in every sense of the word a doer. Here, I feel it even more because I only have a limited time to do. Five months seemed like an eternity when I landed on January 14, but with my two month mark creeping up on me, staying in bed with a stupid stomach bug for two days seemed like a lifetime. I felt like I was letting all of my opportunities slip out of my hand. I felt useless.
Needless to say, this is not a reflection on the culture, but on my reaction to it. I'm pretty sure Freddy would have liked to quarantine me for another few days, and that Theany was mad that I had gotten out of bed at all. Here, they slow down. Here, I freak out. I guess my fear is that I'll leave and not really have done anything. That I'll have dabbled in service, but that I will have wasted time and not done anything big. People tell me all the time that they are proud of me. Sitting in bed watching another re run of friends, I can't figure out why. It's only when I'm out and engaged that I feel worthwhile. Otherwise, I feel stuck and restless.
It was after feeling like this for two days that I got some words of encouragement from a couple of friends.Sarah reminded me that it isn't the amount of time, but the little moments. Like when Argentina told me that I was going to turn into a pig because my bath water was too hot. Or when Joel bravely found the rat in my room when I stood on my bed and cheered him on...from a safe distance. Or when Raphael played me in dominoes and I discovered I might not be as bad as I thought. Or when I survived my first merengue. And then Pete reminded me that the world keeps turning, and that there will still be things for me to do when I get better. That all the problems in the county won't be solved in the two days that I'm sick. And Freddy reminded me that living somewhere is different than visiting somewhere. That things go slower when you are somewhere for a long time. That there is naturally more space, more time to breathe.
This is my challenge. To remember that I don't have to cram everything into one day, that I am here for more than a week and that I don't have to live in that mindset. To remember that conversations are more important than work, that slowing down is natural everywhere outside of the US. And to remember that even though I'll be leaving in June, that doesn't mean my time here is done. That really this is a life project that I will continue at home in between my visits to my other country. My learning doesn't have to stop when I leave, and my time doesn't have to be filled every second. More important, like Sarah said, are the small moments.
It's a big challenge for a type A person to undertake, a big game to talk and then have to follow up. But I have three and a half more months to figure it out, followed by years of return visits to practice. Maybe I won't be perfect by the time I leave, but then again maybe I'll drop from being a type AAA battery to just a AA. it's a big goal, but us type a's always need something to reach for.
Wishing you a day filled with lots of nothing,
Sabrina
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