When people talk about following your heart, and achieving your dreams, conversation typically centers on how exciting the adventure will be, how content one will feel, and how proud one should be of their accomplishment. Talk is of the positive, of the good that comes out of it, of the moments where we can look back and say, man, I really did do it. Yeah. Who forgot to mention the heavy dose of anxiety that accompanies all of that?
This last week has been...interesting. A lot of it has been filled with positives. It is an amazing feeling to think that I set a goal for myself two years ago, and seven months after I graduated, I am following through with it. I am actually following what my heart desires in a world where it can be easy to fall astray, and forget what it is we truly love to do. All that is fine and dandy, but it isn't the whole story. This week has also been filled with fear and anxiety, some just and some unjust. The fear of whether or not I had enough tank tops, followed by the purchase of seven, was probably unjust. As was the anxiety that I wouldn't be able to eat chocolate for the next five months, again followed by an ungodly amount of consumption. My stretchy pants are still mad at me for that one.
Along with the unjust fears, however, are the anxieties that are true and pure. What if this adventure isn't want I wanted? What if I'm not cut out for whatever is to come? What happens if I arrive in the airport and no one is there to greet me? Or if I am detained in five months because the embassy lied and I actually do need a visa? I'm not exactly prepared to hitchhike across the Dominican, or be in a jail for six months because my status is unknown. And I don't really know enough spanish to suave my way out of that situation.
Following your dreams is scary. Fulfilling what you set out to do is frightening. There's a lot of build up, anticipation and expectation that may or may not be met. And the conclusion. Fulfilling a dream also means an end of a dream, and the start of another. Endings are scary, as are beginnings. Dreams, by nature, are scary.
So in this week, as I prepare to go, a lot is going through my head. I'm excited. I'm ready to go and work in whatever way I can and have a life changing experience. I'm sad. Sad to leave behind my friends from school, my family, and the friends from home that I never thought I would have to begin with. And I'm nervous. Nervous because this is a new chapter, because things are really happening, because I have created a dream, stuck with it, and am going to see it through to completion. And I feel supported. By all the people in my life that have held me up, and made this dream really seem like a reality. I wouldn't be getting on the plane without the support that has been there for the last few years. So while I may be leaving you all behind physically, know that I carry you all with me in my heart as I go. Because without you, there wouldn't have been a dream to dream. Thank you.
...Oh, and if you want to share in some of the anxieties and fears, that's okay with me too. Take a lil weight off my shoulders.
Saying goodbye from America,
Siobhan
No comments:
Post a Comment